Happiness and Teens

By Adi Kahn, Director of Therapy Program and Intake Coordinator at Hakshiva

Every teen that I’ve encountered is searching for happiness.

When I speak to their parents, that’s all the parent wants for their child too.

Teachers and principals are also treating their students’ happiness as paramount.

So everyone wants it, yet it seems to be harder and harder to find.

Here are some tips that really help teenagers (and adults too!)  in their quest for happiness.

“To Thine Own Self Be True” (says Polonius in Hamlet)

Teens are desperate to find their true identity but, unfortunately, often get lost in the image they are trying to portray. While their external self can never be a complete portrayal of their inner self, when the two differ too strongly, it can create real tension and upheaval in their emotional world. This tension causes a lack of joy. People are less happy when they are not being themselves.  When one is true to one’s self, the tension lifts and is replaced by peace and serenity which translates into happiness.

There are many instances where teens fall into the trap of being true to their image as opposed to being true to themselves.

Oftentimes, sadly, particularly with girls, the introvert is under-appreciated and is constantly being overshadowed by the extrovert.  A sweet and wise introverted client, to gain popularity in her class, forced herself to act like an extrovert. This resulted in her never really measuring up to the true extroverts in the class and coming home disappointed, hurt, and exhausted from working so hard  on being someone she was not.  She came into therapy with a low self-esteem and, of course, very unhappy.

Sometimes, I’ve seen the flip side happen, when girls are made to believe that a true “bas yisrael” should be quiet, soft-spoken, and “aidel.” A more outgoing girl who wants to be “good,” do the right thing, and find favor in other’s eyes will try to live up to that expectation regardless of her real nature. So, she too becomes true to her outside image rather than her true self.  She doesn’t quite understand why she feels so empty and unsatisfied with her life. She feels badly and guilty that she is not happy being frum and feels like she must not be the “real deal.” She starts to question her whole frumkeit. She comes into therapy confused and unhappy.

And, how many teens do we know who have not found success in their studies, and resort to finding their identity in places that unfortunately are not true to who they really are? Sadly, this can ultimately prove to be harmful. They just desperately want an identity, so they take what they can get.  Often they spend the rest of their teen years living up to this negative image that never felt right from its inception.

The closer the teen is to their true identity, the happier they are.

 

Be Present and Mindful

Too often, teens are stuck in the pain and trauma of the past or too focused on the future, thereby causing them great worry and anxiety.  They rarely take advantage of the present — the time zone most likely to cause the greatest deal of happiness. If one truly lives and appreciates the moment for what it has to offer, he will most likely be a much happier human being.

Unfortunately, today, more than ever, there is an overwhelming amount of distractions that takes us away from the present moment. While we can’t always completely remove technology and the social pressure it creates for teens, we, as parents, can be models of living the moment by limiting our own usage of distractive devices. We can also make an effort to really engage in our child without thinking about the frustrating thing that happened at work yesterday or the 10 things you need to take care of for tomorrow.

Recently, I was fortunate to be on vacation with my family (including 3 teenagersJ).  My husband announced in the car that he had a family “Dare.” We all love a good challenge, so we listened with anticipation to my husband’s idea. He dared us, after we check in to the hotel, to remove all phones and devices and put them in the hotel room safe for the duration of the trip. To my pleasant surprise, everyone was in! To my even greater surprise, was how much this affected the quality of our family vacation.  It was a complete game changer. Everyone was so much more alive and present.  Nobody complained about being bored or asked what we are doing next. We were all relaxed and happy. Time has passed and we all agree that if we close our eyes, we can literally be back in that vacation, right down to the fragrance of the soap in the bathroom. Your strongest memories are the ones you were most present in. I urge you all to seize your next opportunity!

 

Reflection

Teens have a lot on their plates. Besides it being an objectively very difficult developmental stage, teenagers have social pressure, family pressure, and a lot of academic pressure as well. They usually are required, in a typical 24-hour day, to accomplish a tremendous amount. And, remember, they are forever sleep deprived! Their life feels like a treadmill where there is an overwhelming amount of things they need to do and accomplish. Whether they are studying for their next Bagrut, going to work at  their “Chesed” family, babysitting at the neighbors, going to a friend’s birthday party, going to speak to a different friend who is having a crisis about her parents not understanding her, helping their little sister with her Hebrew homework because their parents can’t manage, helping out in the house (because now they are grown up and should help more), and then, of course, going to talk to their therapist about how much stress they have in their life and how their parents just don’t get it, their schedules seem to be jam-packed.

Research shows that if we just do without pressing “Pause” and taking a moment for reflection, we will feel empty, dissatisfied, and unhappy.  This can also cause one to have a false sense of self-esteem based on perceived accomplishments and achievements, rather than who they are as a person.

Taking the time out in your day (preferably at night in a quiet moment) to celebrate your successes, assess where things didn’t go well, and recognize patterns where you seem to keep getting stuck can really enhance the quality of a teen’s life and help them grow exponentially.

 

Positive Thinking

An average person is said to have between 50,000-70,000 thoughts per day — between 35-48 thoughts per minute. Unfortunately, many of us choose to latch on to the negative and disempowering thoughts that come our way.  Usually, these negative thoughts are automatic. Sometimes, these negative thoughts were used at one point to protect us from something harmful in our past but, today, are no longer supportive. When people find themselves unhappy, it often means that they have been following negative thought patterns in their brain that are causing damage to self-esteem and destroying happiness.  Directing our thoughts to the positive and more effective ones takes time and skill. The teenage years are the best years to start training our minds to take control and deliberately directing our thoughts to positive ones.  This is a life skill that will ultimately change the teen’s long-term happiness and effectiveness in the world.

Here is a general outline to begin training your brain to think positively:

1. Understand that just because we think something, it doesn’t have to be true. This, for many, is a novel idea.
2. Believe and recognize that we have the ability to control our thoughts. It doesn’t occur to most people that they have a choice in the matter.
3. Begin to pay attention to your thoughts. So often, we only wake up to a screaming emotion but we fail to notice the thought that preceded it. For example, you go to a party and you notice you feel uncomfortable. What you didn’t realize is that your thought told you, “Nobody here is going to talk to you. Why on earth would they be interested in someone boring like you?” The more we pay attention to what we are thinking, the more we can interrupt what we’ve been thinking about.
4. If you notice the thought is negative, ineffective, and disempowering, replace it with its opposite positive thought. For example, if you are at that party, replace your negative thought with a new one – “I am an interesting and likeable guy that has a lot to contribute in a relationship.”
5. Take a few moments to focus on that positive thought through repetition of the thought or, perhaps, visualization. Keep on telling yourself how interesting and likeable you are. Imagine yourself engaged in great conversation with someone. Notice the smiles on both your faces. Hear the laughter.
6. Further brain training can include writing positive statements to questions such as “What am I grateful for?” or “What am I proud of?” or “What does an ideal me look like?” Keep your list of positive thoughts handy and read it over daily.

As teens approach adulthood, this stage is an awesome opportunity for them to begin their path to finding happiness for life.  Being true to oneself, living the moment, giving time to reflect, and thinking positive thoughts are the foundation to becoming a happier person. Learning these concepts and techniques as teens is hard work but will ultimately become second nature to you.  Every person deserves happiness and every person can achieve it.