Technology, Teens and the Impact on Our Lives

By Adi Kahn, Director of Therapy Program and Intake Coordinator at Hakshiva

As a therapist working with adolescents, it is essential that I make my clients feel that I “get” their world before the real work can truly begin.  Some parts of their world are easy to relate to as they have not changed much since I was a teen.  Social cliques, fights with parents about dress code and curfew, academic stress, peer pressure, fashion and dieting trends, and the new discovery of the opposite gender (yes, even if they are in a single-sex environment) will always be a part of growing up.   The one element I constantly find myself three steps behind in is the technology department.  When I explain to my clients that my teenage years did not include an email address or a cell phone, I suddenly look like I belong in an old age home.  The world of technology is moving faster than I think even Mr. Apple or Mr. Google expected and, much to my clients’ dismay, I am moving slower than a snail’s pace.

Why do I find myself so stubbornly not signing up to this phenomenon?  Why can’t I just get with the program and join the 21^st Century?

Who can remember when the concept of call waiting was introduced? I do- vividly!   I thought it was such a novel idea; if my mom was yapping away with her friend Etti but Leah had to tell me something really important or Tamar wanted to study together with me, well then – sorry Etti.  All my friends’ parents were buying into this incredible opportunity to be able to make yourself available to someone even when you were involved in something else.  My mom, much to my surprise and dismay, did not want to hear it. “It is rude and distracting,” she insisted.  I thought she was crazy, extremely difficult, and completely ancient and inflexible.  Today I see her wisdom.

Fast forward twenty years… “Rude and distracting” have taken on a whole new meaning, making call waiting seem so utterly benign.  Today I see the effects of these rude and distracting gadgets, robbing us and our children of living true, happy, fulfilling lives. What frightens me is that I see it being contagious; slowly (or maybe not so slowly) even the initially more resistant are signing up and getting hooked.  It’s almost impossible to escape.

About 7 years ago, a couple who had just made Aliyah from the States with teenagers came to my office for guidance.  It was a complicated case and we were working on making a plan for each one of their children, assessing appropriate schools, deciding who would need a tutor, mentor, or therapy.  Midway through the session the father started getting busy with his phone, maybe emailing, texting, I wasn’t sure.  He tuned me out completely.  At first I thought, let this be a lesson in “dan l’kaf zchut” (give him the benefit of the doubt).  It must be an emergency, I thought.  While I sat uncomfortably in my chair, unsure if I should wait for him to finish with his “emergency,” the father let out a laugh and showed his wife what he had read on his phone. They both started giggling and I felt like crying, partly for my wounded ego, but even more so, for their kids, whose parents were not able to focus on them for more than 15 minutes in this very important session.  When this troubling meeting was over, I felt so grateful to be living in Israel where things like this don’t happen. In my mind, these olim brought these bad habits from the States but we here in Israel were immune to this plague.  Little did I know, Israel was just on a delay.

Many children now, even in the more isolated cities in Israel are growing up with parents who are distracted while raising them.  When parents use their phones, texting, emailing, or “just checking” while their kids are around, kids start to feel like they themselves are the distraction.  I don’t think you need to be a mental health professional to predict what feeling like a distraction can do to a child’s self esteem.  Kids can feel hurt or neglected and may shy away from discussing minor or even significant matters with their parents or hesitate to engage in family activities when they see their parents preoccupied. This can lead to emotional outbursts or social isolation (as children learn poor social interactions from their role models) which research states can manifest itself as depression or anxiety.

Being connected to technology too regularly during family time is a sure ticket to losing your connection to your child.  As our children grow up into adolescents, it is so crucial for their emotional and spiritual development to have healthy positive relationships with their parents.

When I meet with parents, it is rare to have a couple sit for a full hour without checking their phone.   It’s not as if we are talking about the stock exchange or the local weather; we are taking about a topic where parents should be most engaged and most present:  their own children.

Today many of my teenage clients have smart phones.  Throughout the session there is constant “dinging” coming from their phone.  Unfortunately, at this point I have become numb to the rudeness of it all. However, I can’t help but feel distracted and wonder if, perhaps, I lost my client to that nemesis of a ding.

A client of mine, Rena, recently celebrated her 17^th birthday.  Her friends took her out to a nice restaurant. Surprisingly, Rena came to our next session looking unhappy. When I asked her what was going on, she said that she never felt so unimportant and devalued in her life. ”What do you mean Rena? All your friends took you out for dinner.  That sounds like you are important to them.” She said the whole night, nobody paid any attention to her; they were all taking pictures and selfies, and sending them around the unknown abyss of cyber world.  Rena felt empty and invisible at her own party instead of feeling celebrated.

People are rarely living in the moment, enjoying their present reality for what it has to offer.  We are capturing the picture instead of the moment.  We are going on vacation, but checking our emails to see what we will have to take care of when we get back.  We are playing a game with our kids but texting a friend.  We are driving through the breathtaking desert mountains and talking on the phone. If you take a minute to think about your happiest memories, you will see that they are the memories of the moments in which you were most present.  I remember as a kid  gazing at the sky  for hours with my siblings thinking about the different shapes and figures we saw in the clouds.  I remember the excitement of catching fireflies on warm summer nights.  I remember mowing the endless lawn in my grandparents’ country house and savoring the sweet smell of freshly cut grass.  If today’s generation is not being mindful of the present, I shudder to question if memories are even being created anymore.

Managing our technology (you can choose from the following list: email, texts, what’s app, facebook, twitter) can also be extremely stressful and anxiety provoking.   I see teens always needing to keep on top of their social media, update profiles, pictures, respond IMMEDIATELY to a text that says something earth shattering   like “Hey, What’s going on?”  For adults, it’s the pressure of always being on, never shutting down, and being constantly available.   I find myself wondering  how I survived when my mom went off to do errands without a cell phone.  I wonder how clients managed without being able to reach their therapist 24/7.  I wonder how I felt so close to my family far away in Israel without a What’s App group.   I wonder how kids were so much less bored when there were no gadgets to play with. I wonder how my father never contacted his office when we were on vacation.  I wonder why even though technology offers so much, I never felt its lack before it existed.

I challenge us all to pause and take a deep look at the impacts technology has on our lives and the lives of our families.  We need to prioritize.  We need to realize that some things can wait and some things need our immediate and devoted attention.  We, unfortunately, cannot turn the clock back and recapture those precious moments.  An opportunity missed while being distracted is gone forever.