“Off the Derech” vs. “At Risk”

By Rabbi Yonason Martin, Founder and Director of Hakshiva

“Off the Derech” and “At Risk” are terms that are oftentimes used interchangeably in the Jewish community. This is understandable given the centrality of religion in our lives; however, this confusion causes us as parents and educators to make mistakes with serious implications when we focus on the wrong issues. Sometimes our efforts can actually exacerbate the problems when we are trying to fix them. This is why it is critical to understand the difference between the two concepts and how to address them.

What is the difference between “Off the Derech” and “Children at Risk”?

“Off the Derech” refers specifically to the lack of religious observance. The cutoff point between children who are considered “on the Derech” and those considered “off the Derech” is somewhat unclear but the critical point is that the child is not living in accordance with his or her Jewish family and community’s values. “At risk”, on the other hand, is not a religious issue and can be applied even to children who are completely secular. The definition of children at risk that is used widely today in Israel is a significant and enduring problem in one or more of seven categories, all of which render a child “at risk” of not being successful: 1) Physical health and development. 2) Family dynamics. 3) Learning and skills acquisition. 4) Emotional health and wellbeing. 5) Social integration. 6) Protection against harm by others. 7) Protection against self-destructive behaviors. Children who are at risk also tend to struggle with religious issues but the core issue is not their religious observance but the other underlying issues.

We all know it is important to educate and teach our children Judaism from a place of love but sometimes it can be very challenging to understand the critical difference between the religious issues and the emotional, social, education and psychological issues that our children face. I have seen parents who are dealing with a suicidal, depressed child but the issue that most troubles the parents is whether he put on Tefillin that day. In cases like those, the at-risk issues will sabotage the efforts to help with the religious issues. In addition religious education can only be effective when the child experiences it as coming from real love for him or her.

The Gemara in Shabbos (Daf 88) states that the reason the Jewish nation was able to accept the Torah before evaluating what it said, is that we knew and felt that Hashem cared for us and protected us while taking us out from Mitzrayim. When the child is suffering acutely in school or struggling desperately socially and the child feels that our main concern is his religious observance than the child experiences our religious concerns as being for our own reasons and not out of love for him or her.

Sometimes the child is in too much distress to be able to accept the religious education in any meaningful way. It is critical that we invest our resources in to identifying and getting the help our children need in all the different areas and to ensure proper professional care when necessary. If we do not do this than many times our efforts will just make the problem worse.

The Rambam in Shmoneh Perakim writes that we can learn Refuas Hanefesh or the healing of the soul from Refuas Haguf the healing of the body. The importance of an accurate diagnosis is readily understood when we look at physical health. Our body has many systems, among them, the digestive system, the nervous system, the respiratory system and the immune system. These systems work independently and together to ensure effective functioning. When a system fails it will affect the functioning of other systems but it is critical to understand what the source of the failure is. If a person is having trouble focusing on their tasks, it may be an attention disorder, or it might be an emotional regulation problem, or it might be simply lack of adequate sleep. In order to address the problem we need to know what is causing the problem and what to focus on. Some times more than one system fails at a time but we can only address one of those issues because the body is not strong to work on more than one system at a time.

There are a few additional points it is worth making within the religious focus.

First, without an active working relationship with a child there is very little that we can do. We love our children and they love us but that does not mean that we are engaged in an active loving relationship. Sometimes there is a wall between us and our children which makes communication fraught with tension and there is a lack of flowing warmth in our interactions with them. In that case we must first, realize that this wall is not necessarily anyone’s fault. It is not helpful to feel guilt that this wall exists. This guilt often can make the wall firmer and more difficult to overcome. We must do our best to cultivate the relationship. We must accept what help we can find for ourselves in this process, and in the interim, allow ourselves to involve other people who can become significant in the life of the child and who will engage with the child in a way that helps him or her deal with whatever issues they are having.

In addition we must recognize that what the Torah most often demands of us is that we focus on our own Ruchniyos or spirituality and our friend’s Gashmiyus or physical and emotional well-being. Unfortunately we often switch this around and worry about everybody else’s Ruchniyos and only on our own Gashmiyus. This is true with regards to children if we ensure their Gashmiyus is taken care of within reason and we ensure that we are ourselves our doing well in the Ruchniyos department than this will help our children be joyfully spiritual  Our commitment and positive connection to Judaism will overflow to our children when our relationship with them is strong.

The Rabbeinu Bachaya in his discussion on Avodas Hashaem (Chovos Halevavos, third section), illuminates the concept of a distinction between two separate systems of serving Hashem. Rabbeinu Bachaya describes that there are two sources for the service of Hashem: the Torah and the person’s own inner desire to serve Hashem. The first one are the laws and rules of the Shulchan Aruch, the boundaries of the Jewish religion; the second is the person’s own  personal choices to serve Hashem in the ways that he or she feels is meaningful. Rabbeinu Bachaya describes the importance of each one of these systems, and the benefits that each one has over the other.

When we wish to cultivate in our youth a deeper connection to Judaism, especially those who have already stepped out of the bounds of Halacha for whatever reason, whether from temptation, rebellion or feeling it as irrelevant, we must show them first by example our own deep personal connection to the Jewish way of serving Hashem. Our own deep connection to Tefilla or to Shabbos in a way that is palpable to the child will have an effect on him or her. In addition, the more he or she  can be encouraged to develop their own moral compass and find within them their own sense of meaning and service to Hashem and being of benefit to other people,  the more he or she will be on the track of what the Chovos Halevavos considers a valid service of Hashem. (This paragraph relates specifically to what is helpful for the child who struggles and does not address the issue of what types of behaviors we allow in our own homes and how those behaviors affect other children in the house. That is an important issue and needs proper guidance on an individual basis.)

The most important thing we must recognize is that the narrow focus of the “Off the Derech” model is often not helpful and makes it exceedingly difficult to help our children. We must have a broader focus and take seriously other issues and factors in our children’s struggles besides the religious aspects. We have seen so many times that when parents and educators are able to successfully address and resolve the underlying issues that children face, then parents will have the joy of seeing their children find their own unique and secure Derech within Judaism.

May we all have tremendous Nachas from our children.